Turn away like everyone else.|
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|Thursday, November 11th, 2004|
i havent been here forever.. to lazy
|Thursday, October 21st, 2004|
|Monday, October 18th, 2004|
|Tuesday, October 12th, 2004|
|just do it already
hack hack cough cough man im so fucking sick, i almost never miss school, till now ack ive missed 2 days im so sick. Hopefully i come back tomorrow. cough cough hack hack Current Mood: crappy
|Sunday, October 10th, 2004|
i just watched apocalypse now, i love that movie. Im so fucking tired, bed now.
|Friday, October 8th, 2004|
|another brick in the wall
hm wow obviously i hadnt listened closeley enough to realize that that song is about suicide, blah NOT my HAPPY SONG ANYMORE anyways, i hate history and thats up next. Bye for now.
ME Current Mood: anxious
|Saturday, October 2nd, 2004|
um im kinda happy but puzzled. korns playing a free show at the fullerton best buy. Im not questioning it its cool and all, but why this place out of all others? whatever.. tuesday!! good times!
|gettin out, and writin
well i got out of the house today, went to costa mesa to see a movie, it was pretty good, not im just sitting waiting for something to come to me as for music writing.... sometimes its like i have to wait until the rest of the world is asleep until something even comes out.. Nothing seems meaningful though, blah, back to thinking. Current Mood: curious
|Friday, October 1st, 2004|
|im not even sure
its an odd feeling, not even being sure of what will make me be happy.. i honestly have no clue, but i know i want it, more than anything.. but what do i want?
has hit me like a bullet train Current Mood: crappy
|Thursday, September 30th, 2004|
|Damn right im an angsty whiteboy
Im so bored with my life, i need something to do.. Basically i need to get a job, that should keep me entertained for awhile, and money, whoo. I need to go to a show, for its been quite awhile since i have been to one. Back to school night sucked, but we went and got salad at rudabagorz after.. it eas so freekin huge, and filling. I wrote my essay on the meaning of life. Here it is.
The Meaning Of Life
The question that many people have asked throughout their lives, is “What is the meaning of life?” a question, which the answer is simple, “seeking the human emotion of pleasure”
The struggle with a supreme being is a tough one to win. For years people have been asking themselves the same question, “what is the meaning of life?” and the answer may differ slightly from person to person, but the simple answer is the pursuit of happiness. People struggle all throughout their lives with concepts, such as the one of a “supreme being”, but this is in vein because they don’t realize that maybe we aren’t meant to think of these things. Nobody, can truly give a simple explanation to the beginning to the universe, or to the meaning of life, for the answer in reality goes deeper in to the humans psyche than we could even comprehend.
Some people may ask. “Isn’t the meaning of life happiness? I ask “What is happiness?” “What's it made of?” “ Where does it come from?” To over-simplify things down to the basic evolutionary origin, happiness is what we feel when we achieve a goal. It's the indicator of success. (The actual emotion of happiness is far more complex in rats, never mind humans, but let's start with the simplest possible case.) By seeking "happiness", independent of any goals, we are in a sense short-circuiting the system. Let's say there's an AI (Artificial Intelligence) with a number that indicates how "happy" it is at any given time. Increasing this number to infinity, or the largest point number that can be stored in available RAM - is that meaningful?
To put it another way, how do you know you're happy? Because you think you're happy, right? So thinking you're happy is the indicator of happiness? Maybe you should actually try to spend your life thinking you're happy, instead of being happy. This is one of those high-level confusions. Once you place the indicator of success on the same logical level as the goal, you've opened the gates of chaos. That's the basic contradiction of "wireheading", the science-fictional term for sticking a wire into the brain's pleasure center and spending your days in “artificial bliss”. Once you take the indicator of success and treat that as success, why trick yourself into just thinking that you're happy? Or thinking that you think you're happy? The fact that evolution has redefined the success-indicator into an independent idea doesn't make it logically independent.
There's also the problem that seeking "true happiness" is chasing something that isn’t there. The emotions of happiness, and the conditions for being happy, are all evolutionary adaptations. Or in plain English, when we're happy about something, it's because being happy helped you survive or have kids in hunter-gatherer tribes. There is no point at which the optimal evolutionary strategy is to be happy with what you have. Any pleasure will end. We're programmed to seek true happiness, programmed to believe in it and anticipate it, but no such emotion exists in the brain. There's no evolutionary reason why it should.
But couldn’t pleasure be the meaning of life? The possibility does exist that the conscious experience of pleasure is in fact the True Ultimate External Meaning of Life. I mean, conscious experiences are weird, and they seem to be really real, as real as the atoms that we are composed of (but far more complex), so maybe the conscious experiences of goals are actual goals, purpose made reality. If I had to point to the thing most likely to be meaningful, in all the world, I would pick the conscious experience of pleasure. But in practical terms, that doesn't really make much of a difference. When you consider that even the no-superintelligence formulations of the future involve humanity spreading across billions of planets, spreading through the galaxy and eventually the Universe, and that no one version of superintelligence will let you run billions of humans on a computer the size of a basketball, the moral value of the future far outweighs that of the present. Our primary duty is to ensure that there is one, and that that the future continues into infinity or as close to infinity as we can get.
Douglas Adams wrote a book called The Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy. In the book, a race of outerdimensional beings (posing as white lab mice) built a gigantic computer named Deep Thought. It was so smart that even before its gigantic data banks were connected, it started from "I think therefore I am" and got as far as deducing the existence of rice pudding and income tax before anyone managed to turn it off. They asked the computer for the Answer. "The answer to what?" asked Deep Thought. "Life! The Universe! Everything!" they said. After calculating for seven million years, it told them that the Answer was "Forty-two"... so they had to build an even larger computer to find out what the Question was.
so yeah, that was my essay, i hope i do good on it! wish me luck:-)
|Tuesday, September 28th, 2004|
I feel like shit, and i havent gotten any sleep for days. I look more terrible than ever. erg fuck i can hardly see straight, i am going to go try to sleep.. wish me luck..
Ug i need some smokes.. whatever..
ME Current Mood: cranky
|Monday, September 27th, 2004|
|Cult films slasher kills
gonna hold my own lil cult film fest hehe gonna get some cool movies this week-end, and watch away!
|Sunday, September 26th, 2004|
|the art of letting go part thirteen and three seventeenths
It seems to me that letting go isnt as easy as i was trying to make it and that indeed i havent, but that is not worrying me at the moment, what is is the recent "fuckup" more and more when i think about it i need to know... i bet its me..
Homework beckons, so bye for now.
ME Current Mood: curious
|Falling and learning to get up the story of my life
Every time you fall, getting up can go either of two ways.. Itcan get so much easier, or so much harder. It seems im finding it a bit easier than i thought i would.
My dad left on vacation this morning, this means that my mom will be going over to her boyfriends house at least one week-end while he is gone(whoo). Current Mood: uncomfortable
|Thursday, September 23rd, 2004|
|so i wait for confirmation that your never going to use your starving gun
I want to fly away to a place where the concept of pain is non-existant. As october nears i am slowly seperating. Cut in half, severed. But at least that means that letting go is easier than ever. Ive let go, and grabbed on to something new, and im following it. Its like learning to walk, im constantly falling..
ME Current Mood: contemplative
|Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004|
I might be going to the pixies show tomorrow, but we actually got tix to rilo kiley in octover, yay, nothin much happenin, boredom and thats about it.. Current Mood: meh
|Sunday, September 19th, 2004|
|The cathedral with the black stained glass.
I feel like im heading in every direction at once. Theres no one final destination. Im being pulled limb from limb in no particular direction. Here i lie a pile of bones being sent to do pety tasks. In january im going up north for a few days to get away from it all. i figure by then i will be ready for my break from reality...but for now theres one question i keep asking myself. Where now? Where should i go from here? As of now i will just sit here spinning in circles till i find out.